1
00:00:00,367 --> 00:00:00,400
{\an8}E

2
00:00:00,400 --> 00:00:00,433
{\an8}Eve

3
00:00:00,433 --> 00:00:00,467
{\an8}Every

4
00:00:00,467 --> 00:00:00,500
{\an8}Every t

5
00:00:00,500 --> 00:00:00,533
{\an8}Every tim

6
00:00:00,533 --> 00:00:00,567
{\an8}Every time

7
00:00:00,567 --> 00:00:00,600
{\an8}Every time I

8
00:00:00,600 --> 00:00:00,633
{\an8}Every time I zi

9
00:00:00,633 --> 00:00:00,667
{\an8}Every time I zig,

10
00:00:00,667 --> 00:00:00,700
{\an8}Every time I zig, y

11
00:00:00,700 --> 00:00:00,734
{\an8}Every time I zig, you

12
00:00:00,734 --> 00:00:00,767
{\an8}Every time I zig, you z

13
00:00:00,767 --> 00:00:00,800
{\an8}Every time I zig, you zag

14
00:00:02,936 --> 00:00:06,172
♪ I like coffee
Tea's your bag

15
00:00:06,272 --> 00:00:08,141
♪ Though it makes no sense
It's true

16
00:00:08,241 --> 00:00:11,778
♪ There's no me without you ♪

17
00:00:11,878 --> 00:00:14,848
{\an8}JOY: 'Til Death
is filmed in front of
a live studio audience.

18
00:00:18,385 --> 00:00:19,686
{\an8}What is up with you?

19
00:00:19,786 --> 00:00:21,855
{\an8}I thought
it was a perfectly
delightful auction!

20
00:00:21,955 --> 00:00:23,323
{\an8}Okay,
you know what?
I can deal with you

21
00:00:23,423 --> 00:00:25,892
{\an8}bidding on the
25-pound wheel
of cheese,

22
00:00:25,992 --> 00:00:28,094
{\an8}but putting
me in the back so
it can ride shotgun?

23
00:00:28,194 --> 00:00:29,963
{\an8}Not cool.

24
00:00:30,063 --> 00:00:32,766
{\an8}Don't be offended.
I just wanted to make sure
the cheese had an air bag.

25
00:00:34,100 --> 00:00:35,935
{\an8}That's great.
Seriously.

26
00:00:36,036 --> 00:00:38,405
{\an8}Cheese does not know
how to brace itself
for a collision.

27
00:00:38,505 --> 00:00:39,773
{\an8}You do.

28
00:00:40,707 --> 00:00:41,908
{\an8}All I know is
the Woodcocks

29
00:00:42,008 --> 00:00:45,779
{\an8}won a night downtown with
dinner and theater tickets

30
00:00:45,879 --> 00:00:47,514
{\an8}and a night at
a trendy hotel.

31
00:00:47,614 --> 00:00:49,049
{\an8}Meanwhile, I don't
know which one of
us gets to

32
00:00:49,149 --> 00:00:51,484
{\an8}sleep next
to you tonight.

33
00:00:51,584 --> 00:00:55,221
{\an8}Come on,
you know our bed is
way too warm for cheese.

34
00:00:55,321 --> 00:00:58,491
{\an8}Honey, look, I don't think
you really appreciate what
this is here.

35
00:00:58,591 --> 00:01:01,327
{\an8}Now,
come on, feel it.
Rub your hand along

36
00:01:01,428 --> 00:01:03,363
{\an8}the waxy
protective coating.

37
00:01:03,463 --> 00:01:06,166
{\an8}Imagine the creamy
tenderness within.

38
00:01:06,266 --> 00:01:09,135
{\an8}Mmm-hmm. Mmm-hmm.
And then, imagine
the balloon procedure

39
00:01:09,235 --> 00:01:11,638
{\an8}you're going to have
after consuming all
of that.

40
00:01:11,738 --> 00:01:14,641
{\an8}Don't listen to her.
You and I are gonna
have a lot of fun.

41
00:01:15,508 --> 00:01:17,377
{\an8}(KNOCK ON DOOR)

42
00:01:17,477 --> 00:01:18,711
{\an8}You know what? Call
me old-fashioned,
but I always thought

43
00:01:18,812 --> 00:01:19,913
{\an8}you'd leave me
for another woman.

44
00:01:20,013 --> 00:01:21,714
{\an8}(LAUGHING)

45
00:01:21,815 --> 00:01:22,949
{\an8}Hey.
Hey.

46
00:01:23,049 --> 00:01:24,184
{\an8}So listen,
when we got home,

47
00:01:24,284 --> 00:01:25,718
{\an8}we looked at our
calendar and realized

48
00:01:25,819 --> 00:01:27,987
{\an8}my sisters are coming
to visit next weekend,

49
00:01:28,088 --> 00:01:29,789
{\an8}so we can't use
our night out
downtown

50
00:01:29,889 --> 00:01:31,458
{\an8}and we wanted to
offer it to you guys.

51
00:01:31,558 --> 00:01:34,294
{\an8}Wow, that's great...
No, thank you.

52
00:01:34,394 --> 00:01:36,296
{\an8}Could
you clarify
what you have

53
00:01:36,396 --> 00:01:39,065
{\an8}against
a night downtown
and tickets to a show?

54
00:01:39,165 --> 00:01:41,167
{\an8}Honey, I hate
musicals, you
know that.

55
00:01:41,267 --> 00:01:42,602
{\an8}I mean,
do you ever
really believe

56
00:01:42,702 --> 00:01:44,637
{\an8}that the male lead
likes girls?

57
00:01:44,737 --> 00:01:46,005
{\an8}Come on.

58
00:01:48,641 --> 00:01:50,210
{\an8}We would love it.
Thank you very much.

59
00:01:50,310 --> 00:01:52,245
{\an8}Let me give you some money.
How much did you guys pay
for that?

60
00:01:52,345 --> 00:01:54,114
{\an8}Oh, no, no,
don't worry about it.
It was our dumb mistake.

61
00:01:54,214 --> 00:01:55,782
{\an8}It's for
the school anyway.
You can just have it.

62
00:01:55,882 --> 00:01:58,551
{\an8}Wow, that's
incredibly sweet.

63
00:01:59,986 --> 00:02:03,022
Take our cheese,
as a token.

64
00:02:03,123 --> 00:02:04,624
That is awesome.

65
00:02:04,724 --> 00:02:06,159
You know, I've
been eyeing this
cheese all night.

66
00:02:06,259 --> 00:02:10,497
(CHUCKLES) Whoa,
whoa, hey, hey.
What just happened?

67
00:02:10,597 --> 00:02:13,233
That's okay. I don't
know if we have room
for it in our fridge.

68
00:02:13,333 --> 00:02:15,435
(STUTTERING) Steph,
are you kidding?
We'll make room.

69
00:02:15,535 --> 00:02:17,337
What about
all my batteries?

70
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:20,740
Batteries
don't have to
be refrigerated!

71
00:02:20,840 --> 00:02:24,210
Oh, and your microbiotic
shampoo does?

72
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,980
That stuff contains
living yeast cultures.

73
00:02:27,080 --> 00:02:29,582
It's alive, Steph!

74
00:02:29,682 --> 00:02:33,853
And my alopecia would
be running wild
without it!

75
00:02:33,953 --> 00:02:35,922
{\an8}Eddie,
just give
them the cheese.

76
00:02:36,022 --> 00:02:37,090
{\an8}You know what?
I don't want to.

77
00:02:37,190 --> 00:02:38,825
Please,
don't worry about it.

78
00:02:38,925 --> 00:02:40,727
Give them the cheese.

79
00:02:44,164 --> 00:02:45,665
{\an8}But I love it.

80
00:02:46,900 --> 00:02:49,135
{\an8}All right, here.
Just take it.

81
00:02:49,235 --> 00:02:50,603
{\an8}(EXCLAIMING)
But if I hear that

82
00:02:50,703 --> 00:02:52,305
any of that ended
up on top of a salad,

83
00:02:52,405 --> 00:02:55,008
everyone's in trouble.
Everyone.

84
00:02:58,411 --> 00:03:00,880
EDDIE: (EXCLAIMS)
How fantastic was
that meal, huh?

85
00:03:00,980 --> 00:03:03,983
I know!
Chocolate mousse
with cayenne pepper.

86
00:03:04,083 --> 00:03:06,085
{\an8}(CHUCKLES)
Is it chocolaty?
Is it spicy?

87
00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:07,387
It's both,
you kooky chef!

88
00:03:07,487 --> 00:03:09,255
Oh, I wish you could
have seen how on I was

89
00:03:09,355 --> 00:03:10,523
tonight at
intermission.

90
00:03:10,623 --> 00:03:12,725
The guy at the
urinal next to me,
he laughed so hard,

91
00:03:12,825 --> 00:03:14,928
he broke stream
three times!

92
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:16,529
(LAUGHS) I'm sure
you were funny, babe.

93
00:03:16,629 --> 00:03:18,198
You know what,
I have to tell you.

94
00:03:18,298 --> 00:03:20,600
At first
I was dreading this
evening, but I have to say

95
00:03:20,700 --> 00:03:21,935
it's turned out
pretty amazing.

96
00:03:22,035 --> 00:03:24,037
It sure has.

97
00:03:24,137 --> 00:03:25,438
(SAXOPHONE PLAYING)

98
00:03:37,617 --> 00:03:38,985
I love you.

99
00:03:39,085 --> 00:03:40,720
I love you, too.

100
00:03:44,591 --> 00:03:46,125
Did you hear that?

101
00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,460
We just said
"I love you"

102
00:03:47,560 --> 00:03:49,629
and neither of us
was being wheeled
into minor surgery.

103
00:03:49,729 --> 00:03:52,198
{\an8}(LAUGHING)
I know.

104
00:03:52,298 --> 00:03:54,267
Dare I say
that there was
something magical

105
00:03:54,367 --> 00:03:55,902
happening
to us tonight?

106
00:03:56,002 --> 00:03:57,637
(CHUCKLING) We're
a half an hour away
from home and somehow

107
00:03:57,737 --> 00:03:59,372
we've been transformed.

108
00:03:59,472 --> 00:04:01,374
I mean, look at me.
I haven't worn
this outfit in years.

109
00:04:01,474 --> 00:04:05,445
In the suburbs,
I would just look
like a prostitute.

110
00:04:05,545 --> 00:04:07,847
You would! You look
incredibly slutty!

111
00:04:07,947 --> 00:04:09,749
(BOTH LAUGHING)

112
00:04:09,849 --> 00:04:11,451
And maybe later
in the hotel, I'll
throw you a freebie.

113
00:04:11,551 --> 00:04:13,553
Oh, that's good.
'Cause I don't have
that kind of cash on me.

114
00:04:13,653 --> 00:04:16,356
(BOTH LAUGHING)

115
00:04:16,456 --> 00:04:18,558
Honey, wait a second.

116
00:04:18,658 --> 00:04:21,394
Maybe someday, you
know, when you're
done teaching,

117
00:04:21,494 --> 00:04:24,030
we don't need
that big house
to take care of.

118
00:04:24,130 --> 00:04:25,898
We should buy
an apartment
down here.

119
00:04:25,999 --> 00:04:27,300
But why would we do that?

120
00:04:27,400 --> 00:04:29,068
Well, just
think about it.
How great it would be.

121
00:04:29,168 --> 00:04:30,803
We can walk
to restaurants,

122
00:04:30,903 --> 00:04:33,072
we can go to theater.
I mean, look at us
tonight.

123
00:04:33,172 --> 00:04:34,741
We can have a great life
downtown.

124
00:04:34,841 --> 00:04:36,342
Oh, I couldn't
live in the city.

125
00:04:36,442 --> 00:04:38,945
I mean, there are more
Chihuahuas here than people!

126
00:04:39,045 --> 00:04:40,780
You can't even go
grocery shopping!

127
00:04:40,880 --> 00:04:42,315
You can only
take two bags

128
00:04:42,415 --> 00:04:44,350
and you gotta
wheel it home in one
of those little carts.

129
00:04:44,450 --> 00:04:45,718
No, no, no,
that's old lady stuff!

130
00:04:45,818 --> 00:04:48,988
Okay, wait.
So, you can't even
discuss the idea of moving?

131
00:04:49,088 --> 00:04:52,992
What could we even
afford downtown?
A box. A box, Joy!

132
00:04:53,092 --> 00:04:54,327
You know I can't
go to the bathroom

133
00:04:54,427 --> 00:04:55,962
when I'm just a couple
of inches away from you.

134
00:04:56,062 --> 00:04:58,665
I need
a one-room
buffer zone!

135
00:04:58,765 --> 00:05:00,433
I can't
believe how stubborn
you're being about this!

136
00:05:00,533 --> 00:05:02,535
But you're not
even making any sense!

137
00:05:02,635 --> 00:05:06,005
Do you realize we couldn't
even fit our sectional
into an apartment?

138
00:05:06,105 --> 00:05:08,174
Okay, there are these
things, I don't know
if you've heard of them,

139
00:05:08,274 --> 00:05:09,709
they are called
furniture stores.

140
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,778
We could
actually buy
a new couch.

141
00:05:11,878 --> 00:05:15,114
Okay, you are now
officially insane.

142
00:05:15,214 --> 00:05:18,918
It's taken countless hours of
watching  Shawshank Redemption

143
00:05:19,018 --> 00:05:20,720
to mold that
couch to my ass.

144
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:22,188
We're just gonna
throw that all away?

145
00:05:22,288 --> 00:05:24,123
Are you
so afraid of change
you're not even willing

146
00:05:24,223 --> 00:05:26,659
to entertain the
idea of something
new and exciting?

147
00:05:26,759 --> 00:05:29,162
I'm not afraid. We
already have a home,

148
00:05:29,262 --> 00:05:31,230
and it's
perfectly lovely.

149
00:05:31,331 --> 00:05:33,433
Okay, so that's it?
Just no?

150
00:05:33,533 --> 00:05:35,168
I'm gonna have to
die in that house?

151
00:05:35,268 --> 00:05:37,370
"That house"?
That's our house!

152
00:05:37,470 --> 00:05:39,238
You're gonna die
in that house,

153
00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,541
I'm gonna die
in that house and
we're gonna like it!

154
00:05:41,641 --> 00:05:43,743
You know what?
I can't...
I have to be alone.

155
00:05:43,843 --> 00:05:45,712
{\an5}Okay? I will meet
you in the hotel.
What...

156
00:05:45,812 --> 00:05:47,947
Taxi!
Wait...

157
00:05:50,483 --> 00:05:53,519
Well,
what about
the hotel sex?

158
00:05:53,619 --> 00:05:55,121
(LAUGHING)

159
00:05:58,624 --> 00:06:00,093
(CONTINUES PLAYING)

160
00:06:02,695 --> 00:06:05,431
You're really in your own
little world, aren't you?

161
00:06:11,671 --> 00:06:13,606
So you didn't
even get hotel sex?

162
00:06:13,706 --> 00:06:15,708
Nope.
Too bad.

163
00:06:15,808 --> 00:06:17,910
I love me
my hotel sex.

164
00:06:19,612 --> 00:06:22,849
If you focus on the
strange furniture
and nothing else,

165
00:06:22,949 --> 00:06:25,351
it's almost like
having an affair.

166
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:28,621
Yeah, well,
it didn't happen.

167
00:06:28,721 --> 00:06:30,256
So,
what was this
big fight about?

168
00:06:30,356 --> 00:06:32,191
(SIGHS)
All right,
well, it...

169
00:06:33,926 --> 00:06:35,395
Cheese me, Heidi.

170
00:06:37,096 --> 00:06:39,432
Try it with some pear.

171
00:06:41,000 --> 00:06:42,935
Just the cheese,
please.

172
00:06:48,408 --> 00:06:51,844
All right, well,
it actually at
first was a...

173
00:06:51,944 --> 00:06:53,413
Really a magical night.

174
00:06:53,513 --> 00:06:56,149
And then, we start
walking back to
the hotel

175
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,951
and Joy brings up the
idea of us moving to
the city someday,

176
00:06:59,051 --> 00:07:00,620
to which I say,
"No way in hell,"

177
00:07:00,720 --> 00:07:04,290
to which
she gives me a rather
graphic hand gesture.

178
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:09,162
Long story short,
no boom boom for
the big man.

179
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,365
And all this was
over moving into
the city someday?

180
00:07:12,465 --> 00:07:14,934
{\an5}Yeah.
You lost out
on glorious,

181
00:07:15,034 --> 00:07:18,671
dirty hotel sex because
of a hypothetical fight?

182
00:07:18,771 --> 00:07:20,873
About something that
is not happening now,

183
00:07:20,973 --> 00:07:23,376
and probably never will?

184
00:07:23,476 --> 00:07:25,711
I gather you think
I made a poor decision.

185
00:07:27,180 --> 00:07:29,849
That I do.

186
00:07:29,949 --> 00:07:32,985
She cornered me.
I had to stake
my claim!

187
00:07:33,085 --> 00:07:35,021
But anything could
happen in the future.

188
00:07:35,121 --> 00:07:37,156
You could get divorced.

189
00:07:37,256 --> 00:07:39,926
I could
support myself
with my Irish dancing.

190
00:07:41,828 --> 00:07:43,729
Look, Ed,
I know you like to
be right all the time,

191
00:07:43,830 --> 00:07:44,964
but in
a hypothetical fight,

192
00:07:45,064 --> 00:07:48,167
all you ever have
to do is say yes
to whatever.

193
00:07:48,267 --> 00:07:50,636
Yes gets you sex!

194
00:07:50,736 --> 00:07:52,505
No gets you no sex

195
00:07:52,605 --> 00:07:56,309
and a room full
of dudes eating
cheese.

196
00:07:56,409 --> 00:07:58,945
Hey, I've only been
married one year
and even I know that.

197
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:00,680
Say, it's like me and
Steph had this big
fight one night

198
00:08:00,780 --> 00:08:02,114
over what to
name our kids.

199
00:08:02,215 --> 00:08:04,817
She is all into Gaylord.

200
00:08:04,917 --> 00:08:07,520
Like
I'm going to really
name my kid Gaylord.

201
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:11,657
Gaylord Woodcock.

202
00:08:11,757 --> 00:08:14,327
She's really not
leaving anything
to chance, is she?

203
00:08:15,695 --> 00:08:19,165
But I realized, we are
not having kids for years.

204
00:08:19,265 --> 00:08:22,502
So, I said yes.
I got all the points
for being a great guy

205
00:08:22,602 --> 00:08:24,203
and I'll fight that
stupid-ass name

206
00:08:24,303 --> 00:08:27,707
when she's
all drugged up
in the hospital.

207
00:08:27,807 --> 00:08:30,042
{\an5}Hey, Todd, you
agree with this?
Oh, yeah.

208
00:08:30,142 --> 00:08:34,146
My wife thinks
her mother's moving in
with us when she gets old.

209
00:08:34,247 --> 00:08:38,484
That woman's
either dying before or
on the way to my house.

210
00:08:40,319 --> 00:08:43,923
Really. So, I'm just
supposed to give in?

211
00:08:44,023 --> 00:08:46,826
When it's
all hypothetical,
just be the hero

212
00:08:46,926 --> 00:08:49,228
and throw your lady
a yes'm.

213
00:08:53,332 --> 00:08:55,801
(DRAWER RATTLING)

214
00:08:56,235 --> 00:08:57,670
Hello.

215
00:08:57,770 --> 00:08:59,338
(PANTING)

216
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:02,108
You know,
this drawer is doing that
thing where it sticks again.

217
00:09:02,208 --> 00:09:04,043
But I guess
I'm gonna have to
get used to it because

218
00:09:04,143 --> 00:09:06,178
I'm gonna be here
for the rest of my
life, which actually

219
00:09:06,279 --> 00:09:08,014
isn't going to be that
long because when I do
get it open,

220
00:09:08,114 --> 00:09:10,683
I'm gonna stab myself
with the first knife
I see.

221
00:09:12,084 --> 00:09:13,719
You know,
apropos to that,

222
00:09:13,819 --> 00:09:17,189
I've been doing some
thinking about this
downtown thing.

223
00:09:17,290 --> 00:09:21,360
And maybe,
much like our
faulty drawer,

224
00:09:21,460 --> 00:09:24,730
I, too, may get
stuck in my ways.

225
00:09:27,199 --> 00:09:29,602
You know, you're
the one with the
vision, Joy.

226
00:09:29,702 --> 00:09:32,238
You're the one
who said we should
carpet the basement.

227
00:09:32,338 --> 00:09:33,472
And I fought you.

228
00:09:33,573 --> 00:09:35,374
Oh, I fought you
like an angry monkey.

229
00:09:37,209 --> 00:09:38,544
But you were right

230
00:09:38,644 --> 00:09:41,314
and I'll be damned
if you're not right
about this.

231
00:09:42,448 --> 00:09:43,516
So let's do it!

232
00:09:43,616 --> 00:09:46,385
Let's move downtown.
Someday!

233
00:09:49,422 --> 00:09:51,324
Really?
Are you serious?

234
00:09:51,424 --> 00:09:54,694
Absolutely!
The big city someday!

235
00:09:56,862 --> 00:09:59,198
But what about
all that stuff about
this being our home?

236
00:09:59,298 --> 00:10:00,766
Oh, honey,
you know what?

237
00:10:00,866 --> 00:10:05,037
I realized
that any place is our
home as long as it has you

238
00:10:05,137 --> 00:10:08,641
and my shower chair.

239
00:10:08,741 --> 00:10:10,876
Oh, honey, I know that
you're always a little
afraid of change,

240
00:10:10,977 --> 00:10:12,511
but this is gonna
be so great for us.

241
00:10:12,612 --> 00:10:14,313
It's gonna be like
chapter two of our
relationship.

242
00:10:14,413 --> 00:10:18,951
Well, baby, if chapter two
is anything like chapter
one, I can't wait.

243
00:10:19,051 --> 00:10:20,720
{\an8}(LAUGHING)
Not that crazy
about chapter three,

244
00:10:20,820 --> 00:10:22,521
'cause
that's probably
where one of us dies.

245
00:10:22,622 --> 00:10:25,291
(SIGHS)
Oh, my God, I'm so
excited about this!

246
00:10:25,391 --> 00:10:27,393
I mean,
there's so much that
we can do down there.

247
00:10:27,493 --> 00:10:29,629
We can join
the art museum

248
00:10:29,729 --> 00:10:32,164
and they're always having
those jazz cocktail hours.

249
00:10:32,264 --> 00:10:34,066
And we can go
to film festivals.

250
00:10:34,166 --> 00:10:37,937
And we can run up and
down the  Rocky steps,
over and over again!

251
00:10:38,037 --> 00:10:40,306
Uh-huh.

252
00:10:40,406 --> 00:10:43,342
Oh, baby, I'm so sorry
that we got into such
a big fight over this.

253
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:46,045
Oh, me, too.
But we are gonna
be living downtown,

254
00:10:46,145 --> 00:10:48,614
laughing about
this fight someday.

255
00:10:48,714 --> 00:10:50,349
(LAUGHING)

256
00:10:50,449 --> 00:10:54,020
In the meantime, I believe
I owe you some hotel sex.

257
00:10:54,120 --> 00:10:59,892
Really. And how do we exactly
replicate the hotel aspect of
the sex?

258
00:10:59,992 --> 00:11:02,094
{\an5}Well, here's what
we are going to do.
Yes.

259
00:11:02,194 --> 00:11:04,163
We are going to
turn off the lights

260
00:11:04,263 --> 00:11:07,700
and do
what we need to do and
then, every ten minutes,

261
00:11:07,800 --> 00:11:11,170
I'm gonna
knock on the wall,
and yell, "Housekeeping!"

262
00:11:11,270 --> 00:11:13,239
(BOTH LAUGHING)

263
00:11:13,339 --> 00:11:14,974
I'm gonna put on
my fluffy robe.

264
00:11:22,248 --> 00:11:24,016
(EXCLAIMING)

265
00:11:27,086 --> 00:11:28,254
Hey, you.

266
00:11:28,354 --> 00:11:29,855
(CHUCKLING)

267
00:11:29,955 --> 00:11:32,058
Hey, you.

268
00:11:33,859 --> 00:11:36,495
Would it be inappropriate
to send you a thank you
note

269
00:11:36,595 --> 00:11:39,231
for your craftsmanship
in the bedroom last night?

270
00:11:39,331 --> 00:11:40,599
(LAUGHING)

271
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:41,734
(KNOCK ON DOOR)

272
00:11:41,834 --> 00:11:44,470
Hey, can I come
in kind of quick?

273
00:11:44,570 --> 00:11:45,871
What's happening?
I need to get this

274
00:11:45,971 --> 00:11:48,107
the hell out of my life.

275
00:11:49,575 --> 00:11:51,110
Jeff's in the shower.

276
00:11:51,210 --> 00:11:53,312
When he gets out,
I'm telling him
a neighbor's dog

277
00:11:53,412 --> 00:11:56,215
ran into the kitchen,
ate it and ran off to
die in a distant field.

278
00:11:56,315 --> 00:11:57,683
Okay,
that's not
a good story.

279
00:11:57,783 --> 00:12:00,052
It is if
you people
back me up!

280
00:12:01,921 --> 00:12:03,723
Okey-dokey.

281
00:12:03,823 --> 00:12:05,825
Hello, old friend.

282
00:12:07,093 --> 00:12:09,295
I'm gonna put
you on a donut.

283
00:12:12,498 --> 00:12:16,135
Okay, I have about
seven minutes while
Jeff does his mud mask.

284
00:12:16,235 --> 00:12:18,738
So tell me, how was
the night out downtown?

285
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:21,107
Oh,
it turned out
really great.

286
00:12:21,207 --> 00:12:23,008
In fact, don't get
too used to us as
neighbors,

287
00:12:23,109 --> 00:12:26,378
because we're actually
thinking of moving
down there.

288
00:12:26,479 --> 00:12:29,081
In a magical time called,
"Someday."

289
00:12:30,683 --> 00:12:33,319
Oh, really? Wow, we
would miss you guys!

290
00:12:33,419 --> 00:12:35,121
We would
miss you so much.

291
00:12:38,891 --> 00:12:40,659
You know, it's funny
you're bringing this
up,

292
00:12:40,760 --> 00:12:44,063
because a girlfriend of mine
from yoga is a realtor for
this big condo complex

293
00:12:44,163 --> 00:12:45,431
they're building downtown.

294
00:12:45,531 --> 00:12:47,533
What?
What?

295
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:49,435
Yeah,
it's not gonna
be ready for years,

296
00:12:49,535 --> 00:12:51,137
but she said if you
get in before they
break ground,

297
00:12:51,237 --> 00:12:52,638
you can get
an amazing deal.

298
00:12:52,738 --> 00:12:54,473
They're showing
model units this weekend.

299
00:12:54,573 --> 00:12:57,343
(CHUCKLING) Oh, my God,
is this a sign or what?

300
00:12:57,443 --> 00:12:58,611
Eddie, we got
to check that out.

301
00:12:58,711 --> 00:13:00,346
Yeah, yeah. We gotta.

302
00:13:00,446 --> 00:13:02,948
Thank you for telling
us about this great
opportunity.

303
00:13:13,359 --> 00:13:16,028
Hey, asses.

304
00:13:17,763 --> 00:13:19,765
(EXCLAIMING)
What's that about?

305
00:13:19,865 --> 00:13:24,637
Well, I took your advice about
how to handle my hypothetical
problem

306
00:13:24,737 --> 00:13:27,907
and I told Joy that
we would be moving
to the city someday

307
00:13:28,007 --> 00:13:29,909
and then your
wife comes over

308
00:13:30,009 --> 00:13:32,678
and tells
her about this
great hot condo deal

309
00:13:32,778 --> 00:13:36,882
and now I'm actually
moving downtown.
Asses!

310
00:13:38,684 --> 00:13:42,755
It sounds like your
hypothetical problem
is no longer hypothetical.

311
00:13:42,855 --> 00:13:44,924
Wow,
how did your
glorious brain

312
00:13:45,024 --> 00:13:47,226
get wasted
teaching dodge ball?

313
00:13:48,494 --> 00:13:51,730
Hmm. I did not
see this coming.

314
00:13:53,199 --> 00:13:54,300
Is that my cheese?

315
00:13:54,400 --> 00:13:55,701
No, it's mine.

316
00:13:55,801 --> 00:13:57,937
Some crazy dog
ate your cheese.

317
00:13:59,605 --> 00:14:01,207
So, Joy talked
to this realtor

318
00:14:01,307 --> 00:14:03,909
and it turns out
that we're touring this
model apartment tomorrow.

319
00:14:04,009 --> 00:14:05,377
What am I gonna do?

320
00:14:05,477 --> 00:14:07,646
I really don't know.

321
00:14:13,319 --> 00:14:17,389
Hello! This possibility
didn't occur to any one
of you?

322
00:14:17,489 --> 00:14:20,292
Well, to be honest,
I wasn't really
listening that hard.

323
00:14:20,392 --> 00:14:23,128
I was kind of thinking
about what I was gonna
have for dinner.

324
00:14:24,296 --> 00:14:26,065
I'm gonna have
to live in the city!

325
00:14:26,165 --> 00:14:28,834
Do you think
this body could
climb down a fire escape?

326
00:14:28,934 --> 00:14:31,704
I'm gonna burn, boys!
I'm gonna burn hard!

327
00:14:32,838 --> 00:14:35,274
Ended up going
with beef stew.

328
00:14:35,374 --> 00:14:36,942
And, you.
Me?

329
00:14:37,042 --> 00:14:38,878
Yes, you.
Steph just had

330
00:14:38,978 --> 00:14:40,880
to give us the big
fancy night downtown

331
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:43,782
and Steph had to tell
Joy about the condo deal.

332
00:14:43,883 --> 00:14:47,319
You know what?
This is your cheese
and it's delicious.

333
00:14:56,829 --> 00:14:58,063
Oh, look at this.

334
00:14:58,163 --> 00:15:00,399
{\an8}(SCOFFS)
There's phone pads
in the hallway

335
00:15:00,499 --> 00:15:02,201
and mini-pencils.
Look at this.

336
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:04,503
"The Towers at
Boathouse Row"!
How cool is that?

337
00:15:04,603 --> 00:15:06,338
We could be living in
a building with their
own mini-pencils!

338
00:15:06,438 --> 00:15:09,341
(EXCLAIMS) I can
finally write my
tiny novel.

339
00:15:11,944 --> 00:15:13,812
So, listen. The woman
that I talked to said
that

340
00:15:13,913 --> 00:15:15,648
these units were
80 percent sold,

341
00:15:15,748 --> 00:15:17,216
so we have to be
prepared to move.

342
00:15:17,316 --> 00:15:18,984
I brought the checkbook!
Oh, you did?

343
00:15:19,084 --> 00:15:21,086
You crazy kid.
Give me that!

344
00:15:22,788 --> 00:15:23,789
Is everything okay?
Yeah.

345
00:15:23,889 --> 00:15:25,457
Yeah,
everything is great.

346
00:15:25,557 --> 00:15:28,093
It's just, you know,
being downtown,
the energy,

347
00:15:28,193 --> 00:15:29,862
I'm all hopped up.

348
00:15:29,962 --> 00:15:33,832
What is it about
being in the city that
brings out such honesty?

349
00:15:33,933 --> 00:15:35,334
I feel
like I could
tell you anything!

350
00:15:35,434 --> 00:15:38,037
Like, I don't want
to live in the city!

351
00:15:39,838 --> 00:15:42,975
Wait, what? You said
that you loved this idea.

352
00:15:43,075 --> 00:15:45,644
Yeah, I know, honey.
But you said we
would do it someday.

353
00:15:45,744 --> 00:15:47,146
Not now, you see.

354
00:15:47,246 --> 00:15:50,482
"Someday" has that nice,
implied "never" going for it.

355
00:15:50,582 --> 00:15:54,353
Where now is
really, really soon.

356
00:15:55,554 --> 00:15:58,057
So, basically, you
never wanted to move here.

357
00:15:58,157 --> 00:16:00,693
That is correct.
You just made me think

358
00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,295
that you would move,
so I'd get all fancy
on you in the bedroom?

359
00:16:03,395 --> 00:16:06,532
(STUTTERS)
How dare you! Yes.

360
00:16:09,134 --> 00:16:11,503
{\an8}Nipple and hair!
Nipple and hair!

361
00:16:13,172 --> 00:16:15,407
{\an5}Hi, Randy, I spoke
to you earlier.
Mmm-hmm.

362
00:16:15,507 --> 00:16:17,109
Joy and Eddie Stark.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.

363
00:16:17,209 --> 00:16:18,877
Hello. Welcome, welcome.

364
00:16:18,978 --> 00:16:21,380
So this is our
one-bedroom model

365
00:16:21,480 --> 00:16:23,949
and I'm happy to say,
demand has been so great,

366
00:16:24,049 --> 00:16:26,685
we're already
selling units in
Building 7. So...

367
00:16:26,785 --> 00:16:30,556
{\an8}(JOY EXCLAIMS)
Let me show you
around a little bit.

368
00:16:30,656 --> 00:16:32,758
Granite countertops
are standard,

369
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:36,562
as are top of the line
stainless steel appliances.

370
00:16:36,662 --> 00:16:38,797
Here's a feature
that I love.

371
00:16:39,498 --> 00:16:40,899
(WHIRRING)

372
00:16:46,839 --> 00:16:48,607
It's a plasma.

373
00:16:52,478 --> 00:16:54,380
Could you do that again?

374
00:16:54,480 --> 00:16:55,914
Sure.

375
00:17:06,692 --> 00:17:07,993
And once more,
if you would.

376
00:17:08,093 --> 00:17:09,261
(RANDY CHUCKLES)

377
00:17:18,871 --> 00:17:20,005
So, Randy?
Yes.

378
00:17:20,105 --> 00:17:23,242
{\an5}This is the living-
dining-kitchen area.
Yes.

379
00:17:23,342 --> 00:17:24,877
What is this big
area right here?

380
00:17:24,977 --> 00:17:28,013
Oh,
that unit is on
our premiere level.

381
00:17:28,113 --> 00:17:31,116
It's a little bit more
pricey. It's one-four.

382
00:17:31,216 --> 00:17:34,186
One-four? Like
one-four thousand?

383
00:17:34,286 --> 00:17:35,654
(LAUGHS)

384
00:17:35,754 --> 00:17:37,790
You're funny.
1.4 million.

385
00:17:37,890 --> 00:17:39,558
Did you want to see it?

386
00:17:39,658 --> 00:17:42,161
My husband
found that jacket.
What do you think?

387
00:17:44,630 --> 00:17:47,499
Well,
I know that
it's not huge,

388
00:17:47,599 --> 00:17:50,803
but all of
our buildings have
a lot of common space.

389
00:17:50,903 --> 00:17:53,038
A rec room, gym,
movie nights.

390
00:17:53,138 --> 00:17:55,340
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS)
And the Flanigan's
chain is putting in

391
00:17:55,441 --> 00:17:57,509
a flagship
restaurant on
the ground floor.

392
00:17:57,609 --> 00:18:00,179
So I hope you don't
mind the smell of
potato skins

393
00:18:00,279 --> 00:18:02,281
wafting into
your apartment.

394
00:18:02,381 --> 00:18:05,484
Oh, my God.

395
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:08,020
I'm gonna let
the two of you just
poke around a little bit

396
00:18:08,120 --> 00:18:09,421
and then I can answer
any of your questions.

397
00:18:09,521 --> 00:18:10,856
{\an8}(EXCLAIMS)
Thank you.

398
00:18:10,956 --> 00:18:12,925
I have
to tell you, I haven't
flip-flopped like this

399
00:18:13,025 --> 00:18:15,194
since I changed my stance
on Sandra Bullock.

400
00:18:15,294 --> 00:18:18,230
Honey,
you were right.
I love this place.

401
00:18:18,330 --> 00:18:19,932
It's tiny,
I hate it.
Let's go.

402
00:18:20,032 --> 00:18:22,301
No, no, wait.
Honey, wait,
wait, wait.

403
00:18:22,401 --> 00:18:25,070
How come
all of a sudden you're
jumping off board here?

404
00:18:25,170 --> 00:18:28,474
Don't you understand?
We will be living
directly on top

405
00:18:28,574 --> 00:18:30,576
of a festive
chain restaurant!

406
00:18:30,676 --> 00:18:32,211
You know
how I've always
dreamed about a place

407
00:18:32,311 --> 00:18:33,645
where I could
run my own tab.

408
00:18:33,745 --> 00:18:35,214
"Oh, hi, Flanigan's,
it's me."

409
00:18:35,314 --> 00:18:37,116
(CHUCKLING)

410
00:18:38,317 --> 00:18:39,885
That's ridiculous.

411
00:18:39,985 --> 00:18:41,753
We're not gonna base
our decision about
where we live

412
00:18:41,854 --> 00:18:43,489
on potato skins!
Why not?

413
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:45,457
Potato skins
make me happy!

414
00:18:45,557 --> 00:18:47,493
You know
what would
make me happy?

415
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:50,662
Leaving here and going
to get a coffee drink
with booze in it.

416
00:18:50,762 --> 00:18:52,764
Joy,
I want to do this!

417
00:18:52,865 --> 00:18:54,433
What, no!
I'm putting
my foot down.

418
00:18:54,533 --> 00:18:55,734
Oh, she put
her foot down.

419
00:18:55,834 --> 00:18:57,669
Heads up, brother,
her foot is down.

420
00:18:57,769 --> 00:18:59,138
Any questions?

421
00:18:59,238 --> 00:19:00,405
We're gonna have to
take a minute to
think about it.

422
00:19:00,506 --> 00:19:02,174
Yes,
we want to put
in a down payment.

423
00:19:02,274 --> 00:19:03,942
Outside!

424
00:19:06,345 --> 00:19:08,113
EDDIE: Okay, so let
me get this straight.

425
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:10,649
When you say
yes and I say
no, it happens,

426
00:19:10,749 --> 00:19:13,685
but if I say yes
and you say no,
it's off, huh?

427
00:19:13,785 --> 00:19:14,987
Well, that
just isn't fair!

428
00:19:15,087 --> 00:19:16,455
Well, you know what?
Life's not fair, bud.

429
00:19:16,555 --> 00:19:17,856
Oh, yeah. You want
to know what else
isn't fair?

430
00:19:17,956 --> 00:19:19,358
I'm three feet
taller than you,

431
00:19:19,458 --> 00:19:21,493
so I'm gonna write
a down payment check

432
00:19:21,593 --> 00:19:22,661
way up here!

433
00:19:22,761 --> 00:19:23,962
Don't do that.

434
00:19:24,062 --> 00:19:25,130
That's right.
Oh, yes, I am.

435
00:19:25,230 --> 00:19:27,199
Julius Irving...

436
00:19:27,299 --> 00:19:28,400
(WHOOPS)

437
00:19:28,500 --> 00:19:30,269
...Property Group.

438
00:19:30,369 --> 00:19:31,970
You can't
keep your hands
up there all day, Eddie.

439
00:19:32,070 --> 00:19:34,640
Oh, really? Well, I once
spent an entire summer
in high school

440
00:19:34,740 --> 00:19:37,609
feeding giraffes
at the zoo and those
suckers eat constantly.

441
00:19:37,709 --> 00:19:40,646
Give me that!
The big city!

442
00:19:40,746 --> 00:19:42,648
Seriously, stop it!

443
00:19:43,515 --> 00:19:44,883
I'm serious.

444
00:19:44,983 --> 00:19:46,218
(PANTING)

445
00:19:46,318 --> 00:19:50,122
I walked into that
place, and, I mean,
sure it was sleek

446
00:19:50,222 --> 00:19:52,024
and it was cool
and everything, but

447
00:19:52,124 --> 00:19:55,360
it wasn't
our scratched up
kitchen table that

448
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,462
we have coffee
at every morning.

449
00:19:57,563 --> 00:20:00,365
And it
wasn't our annoying,
broken silverware drawer.

450
00:20:00,465 --> 00:20:03,001
And it certainly
wasn't our big, beige

451
00:20:03,101 --> 00:20:05,737
sectional couch that's
not only molded to
your ass,

452
00:20:05,837 --> 00:20:08,507
but my ass as well.

453
00:20:08,607 --> 00:20:11,910
We made those
dents together.

454
00:20:12,010 --> 00:20:13,645
That's what matters.

455
00:20:13,745 --> 00:20:15,013
(EXHALES)

456
00:20:15,113 --> 00:20:16,615
I'm sorry,
you were right.

457
00:20:16,715 --> 00:20:18,183
That's our home.

458
00:20:18,283 --> 00:20:20,452
Come on, baby,
let's go home.

459
00:20:20,552 --> 00:20:25,524
Yeah, but the pretty plasma
went up and down and up and
down.

460
00:20:25,624 --> 00:20:27,359
Oh, my God. Our car.

461
00:20:29,795 --> 00:20:31,930
They took our radio.

462
00:20:34,132 --> 00:20:35,734
I hate downtown!

463
00:20:35,834 --> 00:20:37,236
Thank you.

464
00:20:39,037 --> 00:20:40,339
I feel so violated.

465
00:20:40,439 --> 00:20:42,541
Let's get the
hell out of here.

466
00:20:42,641 --> 00:20:44,476
Come on,
let's go home.

467
00:20:51,817 --> 00:20:53,485
{\an8}Oh, my God!
They stole
my cheese!

468
00:20:53,585 --> 00:20:55,454
{\an8}What the hell was
the cheese doing
in the car?

469
00:20:55,554 --> 00:20:57,956
{\an8}Well, I had 18 pounds left
and it was starting to turn,

470
00:20:58,056 --> 00:21:00,926
{\an8}so I travel with it
to maximize my intake.

471
00:21:01,026 --> 00:21:02,694
{\an8}Oh, my God.

472
00:21:02,794 --> 00:21:04,096
{\an8}All right,
you know what?

473
00:21:04,196 --> 00:21:05,764
{\an8}You drive,
because I'm gonna
keep my eyes peeled

474
00:21:05,864 --> 00:21:08,066
{\an8}for some punks
eating cheese.